FI$T FIR$T vs. Mardaed's PHOENIX KINGS

FI$T FIR$T™ VS PHOENIX KINGS

OkayFIST FIRST™loses the FAME... not surprising since I think the Kings have one of the biggest groups of groupies in the OFL... it's that freakshow, Tim Timion Tebow... he gets all these "virginal vagrants" and other religion and muscleheaded zealots.  Not to mention the canadian contingent who just come out to watch the long, lithe elven legs squeezed into those ridiculous uniforrms.  Someone said that most of the capes worn by these guys will be worn far in the future by a guy named Liberace... well, him and some other guy named GymBo....  The Kings have 13FF to FIST FIRST™7

Jackal had a SACK full of money for this one...  360K.  

Merc with DP (named Dynon the FRIENDLY **AGAIN**)

Bribe

Extra RR

(Jackal almost went with Wizard .  Or with Helmut Wulf instead a merc with DP.. that would have freed up enough gold for Beer)

Here are the BBManager Stats

   Mardaed  Jackal

1's   10           12 

2's    9             8

3's    7             4

4's    13           7

5's    11           6

6's     13          8

Jackal rolled 27% ones

Jackal's GFI was 68%

Mards          was  85%

Jackal rolled 18 skulls  to 10 POWS

TheFIST FIRST™  POW ratio was a theoretical 17 and I only had a 10... butFIST FIRST™ did, for the second week in a row, get lucky with the CAS.

So, Jackal wins the coin toss.... He KNOWS that Mard likes to kickoff... He KNOWS he has Manni who can be the great equalizer in the second half of turn 8 but he just CANNOT pass up the chance to draw first blood vs these damn pointy ears!!

RECEIVE IT IS!!  VERY SUNNY  It's really really bright... unlike Timdog ...

The kick is Really Really High (surely like one of our coaches) Dirk Dirtdiver is already standing under it.

has anyone else noticed the creepy sounds the these elves make in the background.. i don't recall hearing it vs any other team

also, why wont' somone play pro elves so I can have a gander at their cheerleaders more often.

One Stun, one knock down, and one push later, the human fans are already packing up to leave. What a colossal disappointment.  Even Gwanah Fistyu who blitzes with Tackle can't even stun the pointy head on the left flank... 

Dirk moves up the left flank, he's really not very protected, but jackals' a big fan of rawdawgin' it.

 Jackal tries a gfi by the DP merc with loner [SUCCESS]and tried a 2 assist foul which he escalates from a knock down to a stun.. 

BIG. FAT. WHOOOPIE. FIST FIRST™first turn is over.. what a yawner. Even some of the more loyal fans, the ones that bring those portable chairs that fit the bleacher benches, are gathering their things.

Mard's turn wasnt' much better.. he did burn a RR on a both down when his player, Timion Teabag had block, so maybe he'll pm me the reason for that or someone can 'splain it to me.

Next turn forFIST FIRST™ has Sully BoxRocks blitzing the elven blitzer, Seanornem Leenun with his shiny new Tackle skill (Thanks for the advice, General Kale!) .. CAS!  Leenun is dead on the pitch.  The elves trot the doc out.. hmmm, looks like a smashed collar bone is the problem, what with it sticking through is trachea and all... Mard shakes his head in disgust,apparently the elf coach believes the death with satiate (that means fill up, timdog... you know like when you each a bunch of canadian bacon or something) the human's lust for blood,  and the doc trots back off, hands still clean!  Thanks for the Death, Mard!    Jackla forgoes the one assist foul of the 4 ST elf on the ground in order to cage up Pedi who barely catches an easy handoff from Dirtdiver.  

Doh!  That freaking 4ST elf is able to pop up and get a two dice block on Pedi.  PEDI GOES DOWN, thankfully, Dirty Diver is able to catch the bouncing ball.  Sheesh, Jackal.  Fortunately, not a whole lot from the elves again, although they did put Sully on his tuckus, but they are still all around the human perimeter.

a FIST FIRST™  lino stuns one elf and BoxRocks gets up and blitzes the 4ST elf with dodge and not block. the elf is stunned. Dirk Dirtdiver reverses course and helps assist Gawnuh Fistyu ....Fistyu tries to take out an elf and Double Skulls, a ;RR saves his green silk covered ass but he only gets a push. Not good.  Jackal once again passes up a foul attempt, this time a four assist foul, but on the lowly lineelf, William Bait.in order to help guard the catcher with the ball.  i guess you could say, HE DIDN'T TAKE THE BAIT..AHAHHAHHAAH

The the loner's assist is useless and Mard gets a 2d block on Dirk.  Down goes Dirk and the ball bounce back. Yikes!

What's left of the FIST FIRST™  crowd gasps in horrow as a pointed-eared catcher, Bullet Haizel, speeds in and picks up the ball and succeeds in a gfi to move deeper into FIST FIRST™  territory.  Mard then sends out Neon Deon to help guard the new ballcarrier... Dion rocks through a dodge, but then fails a gfi and RR...

BOOM, DOWN GOES DION... another 1.  The humans get a chance to correct their mistake!!

Sully BoxRocks is called upon to separate the eleven catcher from the ball.  Done.  BoxRocks even manages to success complete a GFI move to help assist his brethren.

jackal is playing this turn safe even though the clock is ticking.. moving his players back around the ball..

Pedi sprints back and gets the job done like a good athletic supporter:  securing the loose ball.

Upfield Punchmouth breaks an elven neck like snapping a popsicle stick.

Well, shit me a brick.. Billy Kid must've watched his hero, Neon Dion on the Wizardvision Jumbotron.. he does exactly the same thing:  completes a dodge (not as easy for a human) then 

SHOCKED FACE  

FAILS A GFI

uses RR

FAILS THE NEXT ONE TOO  

MORE SHOCKED FACE  (mumbles something about a french fries)

the elven SUPAHSTAH Timmy "cleandong" Teabag  gets to work, dodging out and completing a gfi  to inact (that's not the word I want here, what is the word i want?) a 2d dice block on Pedi.  Freakin' VIRGIN gets his nuffle lovin' choice between defender down or defender stumbles and Pedi is on his ass.. ball bouncing away... it's at the feet of a dumbfounded FreeBird who obviously has a splathead poster of Timion Teabow on his wall...

Emmit Smith dodges successfully (of course he does) THE ELVES PAID ABSOLUTELY NO ATTENTION TO MY TACKLE SKILL AS IT REGARDED TO THEIR BLOCKING ALL GAME

Smith then reaches down and plucks up the ball with his 5 Agility ... may has well have had an 7 agility as he rolls a crit fail... 

but, the ex cowfu.. I mean, cowboy that he is, he makes the RR count.. the Kings have the ball once again.. 

Upfield an elf KO's Boy Sue

Jackal is more concerned with NOT getting scored on than scoring at this point.  His poor ball protection has really come back to roost so far this game. 

after moving all the easy piece, Jackal sends the newest edition to the FIST FIRST™  Blitzer position, Dozer GumBlood in to mark Emmit Smith and assist on the ensuing blitz.  GumBlood stumbles on his GFI, but,  nUFFLE LOVING YIPPEEEE, successfully uses the team's last RR.   Now Punchmouth is called on for the blitz, but he's only got one chance to bring down Smith, no RR left.  Dude is working without a net. FIST FIRST™ fans are returning to the stands, if only to see the blood and failure. Punchmouth not only downs the villian, but he picks up the ball with a heroic puffed out chest and words something like:  AND YOUR SISTER TOO.. 

I MEAN, "I'll be taking that."

Max Hedroom has a 2d block vs Teabag but it's a push or a both down.  Hedroom goes all Hardcore and wrestles the freak thrower to the ground.

camera pans to a shot from the game:  

Coach Jackal is yelling: "BRILLIANT!! GO TELL THAT DIRTY BASTARD WE HIRED IN THAT ALLEY BEHIND THE PUB... WHAT WAS HIS NAME?? TO FOUL HIM"

Assistant Coach, Plisken:  "We couldn't find him, Coach.  We're using one of the male cheerleading coaches. Dynon the Friendly."

Jackal:  "Dynon the FUCKING WHAT?? FRIENDLY??  The one from canada the team calls "Mr. Mouth Hug"  ????  OH FOR NUFFLE'S SAKE

camera pans to FRIENDLY, while two otherFIST FIRST™  players hold down Teabow, jumping the thrower and... ..camera zooms in...  TICKLING HIM

for those that don't know, Tickling is a form of torture and FIST FIRST™  does not condone such activiity..

after much snickering and giggling, Teabow is laying there, stunned. 

BoxRocks BADLYHURTS Haizel.  

the elves have four players fairly deep on their side of the pitch.  Four players on the FIST FIRST™ side, only two standing..  Bashbait gets a POW on the human catcher..nullifying the major threat from the human team as time is diminishing...

the elves did some weird dodging and shit and I am not sure how to tell a -2d block, but I think Mard had one with a dodgy elf and got two pushes...

Turn 6 and his catcher stunned and Jackal finds himself still on theFIST FIRST™  side of the pitch. He's in a panic here.  He also knows the feeling of doom of having no RR left, but still has the Bribe so he starts out the turn with a 2 assist block from mister tickles the friendly neighbor who can't even stun the downed Teabag this time. Sheesh.  Jackal kicks Snake Plisken right in his little snake pisskin.  WHY DID YOU HIRE THAT GUY?!!?"

The rook Blitzer stuns the dodgy no block elf.  the elf Blitzer Conner McCriminal continues to give Jackal fits with his damn Side Stepping.  Sully tries to fix McCrimmy's little red wagon, but is only able to knock down the bastard.   Jackal takes a chances  running his players upfield in the hope that Punchmouth will be able to bliz the dodgy elf and catch up with them, Pedi is left back to assist the Punchmouth blitz.  Punchmouth gets the job done. Getting all "Where the Wild Things Are"

 Stunning the elf and racing up field.  Just like it's drawn on Jackal's chalkboard!    Oh shit on a shingle, all the damn elf bodies have trapped Punchy (that's what we call 'im) .

. with no RR and a healthy fear of GFI, Punchy sits back near his brethren how had stood to help assist earlier blocks or fouls instead of trying to race around the bodies and end up in no man's land with these freaky deekie elves.

The elves do what they can, which isn't much, but they aren't giving up ground either. Mard uses Timmy Teabow with his 4ST to push into a TZ of PUnchy the Ballcarrier and now it's Jackal's turn SEVEN.

Sully BoxRocks is able to blitz and knock down the Roided out Elf Thrower and free up a running lane.  Here it goes ladies and gentleman.... Can Punchy get the ball to Billy Kid who is the furthest and deepestFIST FIRST™   player on the field with NO RR LEFT???  Punchy races to the veteran human lineman, Kid grabs the ball like he's got FOUR of his own.  (6)   Kid then runs down the right flank. starting just on his side of the pitch, he safely runs to the near sideline, one space off, and six spaces from the goal line.. No GFI chances here.  Jackal stupidly has Gwanuh Fistyu try a block on the Marion the Barbarian and the damn dude has side step, nice one Jackal. The elf is now one square closer to the Ball Carrier.

Speaking of Barbarian, Mard goes all that using a freaking lineelf to blitz Billy Kid. The fuckbucket rolls a 6 for the dodge out to blitz and a 6 on the first GFI and a 6 on the second one for the GFI BLItz.  The lineelf has a ST4 and gets the Defender down the first try, which means Mard still has a RR.  The ball bounces out of bounds and is  thrown in around midfield on the KIngs' side of the pitch.  Could have been better, could have been worse.  Even with the roar of the crowd, you can hear Jackal's sphincter start to pucker.

Suddenly the four downed elves that were left behind as Billy Kid raced to paydirt are all stood up and pose potential scoring threats...  Shhheeesh.

Marion the Barbarian dodges out, 6 ... GFI to pick up the ball that's not in anyone human TZ, GFI successful 4, but 1 on the pickup... POOF, there goes the last KIngs' RR.  And the Barbarian goes all Conan and doinks the pick up again.  The humans collectively breathe a sigh of relief.  So do jackal's underbritches.

It's turn 8 for Jackattack... he knows he cannot score.  He also knows it's quite possible the freaking elves CAN.  

jACKAL does the best he can to mark the pointy ears... puts a Fistyu on Marion to assist the ensuing block by Punchmouth and also remain in the TZ of the ball.  Punchmouth stuns Marion who sidesteps on the ball as he goes down.  Punchmouth is unable to secure the ball so it sits on the pitch like a gold piece (thank you anne sexton) with two humans around it.

BoxRocks is showing his age and cant' even knock down a lowly lineelf with guard as his only skill.

Dynon the Friendly tries to foul the Barbarion while also adding another TZ to the ball, but if two assists didn't do the trick, it's no wonder that one doesn't.  Still the ref is elsewhere.  Barbarian is already stunned so who gives a flip

That freak lineelf who took down Billy Kid dodges out, dodges again (uses his dodge roll for the second dodge attempt  GFI to move into three human TZ .. succeeds.. PICKS UP THE BALL IN THREE TZ with a 6 ...that's all the log reads.. 6  critical success.  I'm guessing he needed  a 4+

down to a 3+ for AG... but subtracting a 3 from the number, so he NEEDED A FREAKING SIX WITH NO RR and the little turd got it... Jackal is near heart attack stage now.

That freak lineelff has a name that is too long to type and I can't copy and paste it, so we'll just stay with freak lineelf dodges out of the TZ,  He decides to launch the long bomb to ____.  Finally, the lucky streak comes to a screeching halt. 

with his 4AG he needs a 3+.. but it's a long bomb and it's Always Sunny in PhillyHELLpHIA

He rolls a 4 which is reduced to a one and the ball is fumbled and the half is over.  

Halftime score: Zilch to Zilch

--
Jackal is a jackal of all tirades

FI$T FIR$T vs Slam's CEREAL KILLERS

So, FI$T FIR$T™ goes up against Slam's Chaos Pact freaks.  Two Big Guys including a the aptly named Mr. T.  Jackal was hoping he would, indeed, pity the fool.  FI$T FIR$T™ 's coach Jackal finally saved some gold instead of putting it up his nose.  No really, He does that.  It costs half as much gold to get the damn coins removed.  Nobody knows why he does that.  Started as a kid, with crayons.   Anyway, Jackal saved enough money to add a third Blitzer to the team, Gawnuh Fistyu.

Well, I can't recall who won the FAME, but Slammer won the coin toss and elected to receive.

Jackal picked up Helmut Wulf, giving the humans a deep bench of three players.  For the kickoff, Jackal elected to sit out Manni, Pedi and Dirk Dirtdiver.  True to Jackal form, the kicker for FI$T FIR$T™ is out of position to actually use his skill, but the kick is pretty sweet anyway, and the crowd goes wild, rioting in the streets.  The Pact team does very little, stunning KnockKnock the Ogre and the blitz by Captain Crunch is wrestled down by Maxwell Mud.

Jackal is chomping at the bit to fuck up this game and uses his Chainsaw on a non skill marauder... Helmut's chainsaw kicks back, Helmut gobbles up a RR wrapper and all "using" his loner skill to suck even more... Helmut is stunned and  POOF, besides standing up the two shmucks on the LOS the human's first turn is over.  God, Jackal loves the smell of burning ReRolls in the morning, (and noon, and night too!!)

Slam KO's Maxwell "house" Mudd [let the KO count continue!!!!) 

and then Mr. T breaks FreeBirds' ribs.  Humans down 11 to 9 now, with the chainsaw dude flat on his back. Insert something into Ken's sister... wait... uhmmm.

speaking of flat on his back, so was KnockKnock until Slam pulls off a three assist foul to KO the dumb meat wagon.  Ref appeared to be taking my advice about Ken's sister.

Humans down 11-8 with no Big Guy 

Slam does a whole lot of nothing, but clears the way for a two assist foul vs Helmut "on backwards" which is Swedish for "condom inside out" Wulf .. Wulf screams because he likes it or something and the fouler is sent off.

Humans: no cas given

Refs: one send off   YAY REFS

Heldog jumps ups and stuns someone who's own mother and father don't even come to the stadium to watch.  Fuggz uses his AG4 to dodge out (nice word for run away) and assist Boy Sue ... Sue gets a push push which Jackal smoking something he likes to call a ReRoll changes to a knockdown.  big FAT WHOOP

THIS IS FUNNY BECAUSE ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=legm6YaKxkQ

 Billy Kid rolls a 2d block and gets double skulls.. tee hee

Slam KO's Helmut... good riddance

Boy Sue, enjoying the limelight and watching Slam get all Jackalhappy on 1d blocks crit fails a dodge, but somehow doesn't manage to injure himself.

I swear to you that there is now a fudged up congo line on the field with the players that looks like some kind of cry for help from the movie Castaway.  

dunno if you can see this or not... but it looks like they're pointing an arrow to the dumbest coach in the league!  JackalBaby!!

Slams tries another 2 Assist foul that nets fuck all and slowly lumbers his thrower into a possible scoring position... or as Ken's sister calls it... gets in or out of the car at the prison

It's Slam's turn 7 and jackal is very confused by what poses as a threat.  he succeeds in not sucking too badly and KO's a marauder and knocks down another.  Did i mention that Slam has a maraurder that was Terry Bashshaw in another life... Ag4, pass and strong arm.

Slam shows off with Cornholius Whatshisfreakin name by blitzing then dodgign out all GobTrotter style then ...YAY REFS gets a guy sent off on a successful 3 Assist foul attempt, KO'ing the AG4 human lino, Fugzz Toothdust

Jackal has six players now, four standing and, as his gfnd recently said about his can of tuna fish that he just squirted a bunch of mustard into with the tuna fish (Ken's sister joke here) WHAT THE FUCKING YUCKY

billy kid blitzes off some dude named sugar bear, then SHOCKED FACE , FAILS HIS GFI..

 I KNOW, RIGHT?  Well, Billy actually passes his RR attempt and ties up the Ag4Rotting Maraurder Cornholio Cockbird

L

Look, y'all.. The Jackal™ l does the best he can with what he's got (i heard that in a crazy house one time... I also heard this gem:  "she's just using that as an "escape ghost"... true stories, both of them)  and it looks like he might give Slam a run for his money to put the ball in the box. 

Nope, Captain Cuntch knocks down Billy Kid and Cornhole is open for an easy catch and score.  Still, there's always a few ones in everyone's one bag one time or oneother.  

one one one!!

nope,  perfect spiral from Fruit Brute to Cornhole and I can't remember when I ate corn, but it must've been yesterday or the day before strolls in for a score...

GUESS WHAT Y'ALL... FI$T FIR$T™  fails ALL THREE KO ROLLS!! [9-31 for the season]

I decide not to use the Bribe on Wulf since he's KO'd so I dunno if he would have passed his KO roll or not.  I figured I'd rather be able to foul with impunity the second half.

Helmut was KO's

But it's the second half of turn 8 and out comes the Manni for all seasons.  Remember, there's no RR left in the secret soup sack.

Slams gets off a beeYute of a kick... deep in the right corner.  Jackal was lucky here because the kickoff result was a Blitz, but Slam had set up deep to defend.

Pedi has to GFI to get to the ball.. success  I KNOW, RIGHT?@?!!  then picks it up. Doesn't even need his Sure Hands!

Pedi zings one to Dirtdiver (doesn't even have to use Pass)  who has to use catch to make the catch.. Dirtdiver runs it to Manni and hands it off.. Manni is ready to launch

he runs to the line of bad guys... leaps over them, and dodges into the endzone for a 1 turner burner.  SCORE!!  the leap and three GFI were completed without the "net" of a RR, but Manni does have Sure Feet

So, even though Slam executed total ball control the entire first half.  It's 1-1 at Halftime.  Ever hear the one about the Tampa Bay Bucaneer's coach John McKay during the team's first abysmal season?  He was asked what he thought about this team's execution.. he answered:  "I'm in favor of it."

So, half time, more chances to roll my KO's

GUESS WHAT Y'ALL... FI$T FIR$T™  fails ALL THREE KO ROLLS!! [That's 0-6 this game 9-34 all season]

so, Helmut is kicked off for his chainsaw... FreeBird is out for the remainder of the game with busted ribs

the Ogre, my AG4 lino and my "wrastler" are still snoozing.

thats (pauses and thinks for a moment, eyes upward to heaven, obviously in almost excruciating pain)

Fourteen, minus one, minus another, minus three more... that leaves the humans fielding NINE players... boooo

Second half:

Holy Crap.. what's that Big Fuzzy BigFoot looking thing?!~?!   It's a freakin Rat Ogre.  Apparently Cornholio is good at kicking too and he lands a sweet one on the opposite flank of the FI$T FIR$T™  "Strong Left" Set up.... Right on the freaking sideline.  It's gonna be a doozy to get in position, especially Jackal "aka Captain Shit the Bed" at the Helm.  It's gonna take pulling up his big boy pants (don't ask why they were down. You DO NOT wanna know) and just presuming Pedi can make the pick up on the sidelines.  To fall back in case of failure would be folly.  It's already 9 to 11 for Nuffle's sake.  

Roger punchmouth only gets a push on the strong side.. the LOS is a knock down and two pushes... 

Pedi, who is lined up deep on the weak flank gets to the ball, picks it up [HUZZAH!!], Goes For It and succeeds [MORE HUZZAH]

http://tvrecappersanonymous.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/etrade-shocked-face.png

this puts him close enough for a easy pass [HUZZAH ALL OVER THE PLACE]to Dirk Dirtdiver..who makes the grab.  Dirtdiver takes the ball over and puts it in the hands of Manni.  Here's the rub... does Jackal run Manni to the endzone line and hover?  Manni doesn't have block and it looks like, with a whole tally of RR, Slam can reach the nimble catcher.  No. Better to score. Go for the sure thing and hope to recoup a few players.  Sure there's lots of time left, but why let Slam have a chance of screwing up a score.  Jackal gets Manni to the endzone without having to use the Sure Feet skills, so he crosses the goal line.  

2-1 Humans and, Lo' and Behold 2 of the 3 players awake from their KO's !! [2-9 for the game and 11-37 for those counting at home!]

Now the humans can field an 11 man team... getting back the AG4 Lino and the Ogre... the "wrastler" is still out, ogling the Pact cheerleaders, no doubt.

Slam comes out swinging, but his Mino rolls double skulls against the Ogre on the Frenzy Blitz... fortunately for Slam, the Mino doesn't 'use" his loner skill and is able to use the RR. Stunning the hapless Ogre.

Using Dauntless, FIST FIRST is able to down the Mino. Pedi, with three assist, stuns the cow, but is caught by the ref.  No biggie, we paid good coin for a Bribe.  Hmmm. Bribe didn't work. Pedi is ejected.  Yuck.

Slam pushes .  Jackal pushes back.  Jackal decides to run Manni up to the Pact thrower who's still hanging back.  Nope.  Failed dodge roll, and failed dodge skill RR and Manni is Badly Hurt.

MORE YUCK.

Jackal starts to bring the pain, CAS'ing Sugar Bear and Captain Crunch.

Slams fails his second Wild Animal roll in a row for his Cow.

Jackal has a pretty bland turn until he finishes with a skull from Boy Sue. NO IDEA why he doesn't elect to use a RR with two remaining. Well, one idea.. Jackal's an idiot.

Slam has a sweet move with Cornelius.. who get up, blitzes off one human and dodges out of the TZ of another.  Plenty of opportunities and time for him to tie this one up.

What's that.. Quisp, the Dark Elf dodges into the endzone and slam lets a long bomb fly!  Wowza!

He rolls a 5.. -2 for long bomb, +1 for strong arm.. completes it to the Dark Elf for the score.!

Still some time on the clock, but without Manni and Pedi, it's gonna be tough.

Oh yea. failed the only KO .. so, 2-10 for the game, 11-38 for the season.

FI$T FIR$T™ are once again down to 9 men vs 11 for the Cereal Killers

the kick goes straight into Dirtdiver's hands. PunchMouth BREAKS Tucan Sam's neck.. the Pact Apothecary cordially offers to kill the injured player.

the humans cage up at midfield..there's a play to the right, perhaps, but the AG4 lino fails a GFI and the wind is out of the humies sails for good.

The Rat Ogre fails it's second Bone Head in a row.   the human Ogre gets a both down without block and "uses" his loner skill

not to be outdone, Slam ends the game with an attacker down.  

2-2 all on the shoulders of Manni, but Manni's failed dodge that resulted in the BH left little threat in the waning minutes of the game.

gg Slammer

Well, this was FI$T FIR$T's first game with their star FA Thower Eomund Alban.  It was with a heavy heart and a lighter wallet that Coach Jackal decided to let their starting thrower, Snake Plisken go but this guy Alban was too good to pass up... plus, Ol' Snake was always complaining about his niggling injury and after the beating he took but survived against that Pink Elephant Pile-On Machine Malaria, well, upper management figured he'd used up all the luck he had.  Plus, FI$T FIR$T would be getting this Alban kid 20K cheaper since he was just coming to them as he was fitting out a new skill.  That offset, at least a little bit, the 30K charge.  Of course, as Nuffle would have it, next week's FA pool had an Ogre with block, which was really more what FI$T FIR$T's upper echelon was hankerin' to get.  Well, with FI$T FIR$T up against the Chaos Dorf team, Molten Fagony (not that there's anything wrong with being Canadian), there shouldn't be too much of a danger of interceptions... Jackal was eager to see whether or not this new thrower was worth the 220K price tag.  

Coach Thul failed the coin toss, and Jackal decided to receive the kick...  ... i'm still not sure if we tied for the FAME, but i sure know we didn't win it.   Jackal thought about the wisdom of Elessar, who oftentimes chooses to kick so as to have the ball in the second half when he may have less players with which to defend. But I decide I have to try to make use of that first chance to attack.  Plus I didn't have a player with yet.  The kick by those stunty little knicker sniffers barely goes out of bounds, and Jackal elects to give the ball to the second string thrower... let him make a quick pass to the FA Alban with AG4 back in the safety of the backfield.  Using Dauntless, Frans Fistacuff downs the Chaos Mino!  Unfortunately, it doesn't even stun the beast. The blitz against the Savage was with the only Tackler on the team, and it was a 1d affair... block block.. the others were just pushes... Hans the Hammer, the team's dirty player tried a two assist foul on the downed Mino, again not even a stun on the brute.

Jackal shuddered with fear as Molten's first move was a blitz by the downed mino on Hans the Hammer stunning the poor, hapless Dirty Player who certainly didn't see that being the first move by the Agony's Coach Thul ...  Yikes, this Thul guy wasn't afraid to unleash the hounds!   Not much else, by the dorfs, but they line up a three assist foul with their DP hobgoblin on our second best blitzer, Duncan Idaho with Block, MB, Guard and Side Step,  stunning him on the enemy side of the pitch. Not good. Another block vs block on a 1d block against the Savage...  so far, no tackle to help tip the scales...

Willy Wrekmore, fearing for his family who, due to some paperwork diffiiculties, is still "volunteering" for the semi-semi-semi pro Orc team the Greenskin Grodies, is really fired up today.  And it shows!  Wrekmore hustles past the skirmish on the LOS, and  and blitzed Molten Agony's freakiing gobo long bombing hurler who is mid field deep in the center of the Agony's side of the field. Welp,... firs tattempt at a GFI for the blitz.. FAIL.. thank Nuffle he was able to pass the RR, and KO! Down goes the Hobogoblin hurler!! That was a bold decision by Jackal because it left the stunned Duncan Idaho surround by four free Agony players. Willy Wiggleworm also charges behind Willy Wrekmore  but staying on the left side of the pitch.and  FI$T FIR$T has got two Willies deep in Agony territory...  Alban, even with Blodge and AG4 decides do stay just outside on any charge by any of the Agony's players.. keeping a sharp eye on the Savage especially....

Jackal, throughout the game, took some mad dancy chances with his ag3 humies..  this time dodging a lino out to assist Frans Fistacuff on another dauntless attempt on the Mino.  Boom goes the dyna.. well, poof goes the firecracker.. Mino down, but again, not even stunned.  No attempt to foul the Mino as FI$T FIR$T's DP was still reeling on his back

Molten's turn starts with the Mino going Wild and remaining prone on his back.  Sadly for FI$T FIR$T, that wasn't a blitz attempt though.  An Agony lino clawed and stunned a FI$T FIR$T lino, but then Thul unleashed his savage..  using break tackle he pulled away from a human blitzer.. .failed a GFI but, having sure feet, he kept upright, 2dblock/blitzing Wrekmore , but he failed to bring down Wrekmore, due to Wrekmore's dodging ability.   But then it happened, the DP hobo with three assists fouled Duncan Idaho.. KO'ing him..  thankfully, having watched some vids of Wrekmore's family "cheerleading," he learned some great screams and was able to call attention to the foul.. and the dirty little hobo was rightfully ejected from the game!

Wrekmore dodges away (stupidly ignoring the fact that the other dorf marking him had tackle.. ahhh, ignorance is bliss until THE BIG FIND OUT COMES DOWN, WILE E. COYOTE STYLE, LIKE AN ANVIL ON A ROADRUNNER CARTOON) from the Savage and downs the Agony lino that was marking Willy Wiggleworm... then returns to mark the Savage, really the only player who can not catch the catcher...  Alban charges down the field, and unleashes a picture perfect spiral which the wide open catcher gathers in like he he's made of sponge (shit, that is the best analogy i could think of) ... now, IT'S JACKAL TIME, BABY...

sure, the catcher could just waltz into the endzone,  it would mean getting a chance to to bring back the KO'd Duncan Idaho... but there's a lot of clock left and the only Agony player that can bring down Wiggleworm is the Savage and he a. is marked by Wrekmore and b. doesn't have tackle.    The humans have more guys that can close on the ball should the Savage actually take down Wiggleworm, so Jackal coins a new phrase: the human punt.. .that's punt, Timdog... keep your mind out of the gutter.  

Jackal was beginning to sweat.. so was poor Willy Wiggleworm who was just denied an easy Touchdown... he was looking over his shoulder at the Raging Savage....  Coach Thul put two dorfs on Wrekmore as he set up for the obvious play: Savage blitz dodge.. two dice, but no (edit: accidentally wrote block, but meant:) Tackle.

here's a Close-Up of Willy Wiggleworm.. hopefully i can figure out how to add it to my team roster

The savage uses his 4ST to break out of the TZ of Wrekmore... and the blitz is on!  Down goes Wiggleworm and he's stunned so he'll be of no use next turn.  Also, many more dorfs have moved back into the "deep end" of their pitch...  Jackal whimpers like a lost Chihuahua in China town... abandoned by his owner...  it's not looking good, but the AG2 savage fails to pick up the ball!  He uses a RR.. fails again...  (he did fail a GFI, but he does have sure feet)....   One of the things Jackal said to Coach Thul was that he hoped he'd at least chew up some of the Agony's RR, and now they're down to one... but the ball seems almost impossible to attain.  

Jackal really screws the pooch in this turn..  First of all, with Wiggleworm not even moving, much less gettin' his wiggle on, he's fixated on breasts.. i mean the ball.. the ball,  and that means he's fixated on Wrekmore who is his only chance to right this tilting ship... he does move a few players down, but he leaves Frans Fistacuff, Captain Dauntless,  laying.. maybe smartly, at the hooves of the Mino....  He sends Wrekmore blitzing to attempt to clear out from the two dorfs marking him... getting Attack Down, Both Down, Jackal RR's  same results.. Attacker Down and Both Down... Stymied, he pushes the Wrekmore "Easy Button"   looks like that button is for Wrekmore's sister... ...  Wrekmore fails the almost impossible dodge, but at least isn't injured in the process. 

Here's Wrekmore, before he's on his back...  not that many pictures of Timdog like this.. most I've seen, he's on his back... in a basement.. on a dirty mattress...  oh well, never mind, here's Wrekmore

COME AT ME, BRO

It's not looking good for FI$T FIR$T:

FI$T FIR$T gets lucky as the dorfs only take down Stilgar a blitzer who had moved to get close to the ball and then the Agony's Hobgoblin, Sandy Sharpspear  (might be sharp, but it sure ain't long), passes a gfi to get to the ball, but then fails the 3+ to pick up the ball, and then fails the RR... The Agony are out of RR's!! 

FI$T FIR$T doesn't do much but gets a lot of fella back on their feet...  Poor Willy Wiggleworm obeys his coach but squeals like a branded goat as he dodges into the corner of the endzone and then sideways next to the butter fingered hobbygobby.  The insult to this turn is when Frans Fistacuff fails a dodge to get away from the Mino... successfully uses a RR to pass the dodge and then shits his pants on a gfi to try to get to assist a block.  THE GFI RANDOMIZER IS A STEAMING PIECE OF POOP.

Perhaps, Nuffle heard Jackal's cries of frustration because he sent this gift... Basalt Blackberry fails a two dice block against the rookie lineman, Billy Badass... double skulls 

and it's FI$T FIR$T's turn again!!   It should be noted that Coach Thul had very little difficulty deciding to use he Apoth on the only Badly Hurt Basalt Blackberry because he rightly identified that we humans were of no threat at all.  So, Bathsalt Dingleberry, instead of being in the Injury Box, was stewing on the sidelines...

Stilgar Fist, the team's namesake, was asked to try his third attempt at a 1d Block on the Savage and this time it was a skull...  FI$T FIR$T's last RR is burned and Stilgar at least gets the push here...  and Jackal screwed the pooch and then took it to dinner.  Wrong choice on the push... misjudged Wrekmore's blitz lane... should have been focusing on taking that Savage OUT...  

Wrekmore can't get to the hobgoblin without trying to dodge through tackle infested TZ's..  does he go for the ball with on TZ or hope the AG4, Sure Hands, Blodging QB can start earning this teams trust?  It's decided to leave the pick up to the FA, Alban... Wrekmore blitzes the Savage, but they both just bang heads...

Wrekmore vs. The Savage

Okay, so the lane is there.. just a simple dodge away from a dorf with tackle, but Alban's got AG4!!  He's out an on his way to a simple pick up!!   only one hobo standing around the ball!!  The crowd, what little human fans there are, surges to their feet in a roar!!!!!

Oh MOTHER NUFFLE NO!!!!!!!!!!   The human fans RAGE IN ANGER AND DISGUST...  Alban has snaked eyed the pick up....  Alban's agent leaves the FI$T FIR$T pressbox... complaining of stomach pains....  "SURE HANDS, MY ASS!!  SURE TO BE LOPPED OFF SO YOU WON'T EVER SELF ABUSE YOURSELF AGAIN.. .one fan is heard to scream

the look on Alban's face is one of utter astonishment.. this is not what he does... he had just 6'd the dodge away from the dorf with Tackle.. even farted a nice one right into his facemask...  and he doinked the pick-up?!?!? DOINKED IT TWICE!!?!?

Here's Alban's face.. check out the hood ornament on his helmet

Things are looking bleak... the dorfs are clearing out any and all FI$T FIR$T tackle zones, and even as Willy Wiggleworm avoids a direct hit by the pinned in Savage, the damnable hobbitgoblin pushes him into the crowd... 

thankfully, it was feed the fat dorf cheermen some warm beer going on and there weren't too many fans nearby to harm Mr. Wiggles...

Not much else happened, just dorfs and Mino banging around humans are parts of the pitch fairly well removed from the epicenter of the shitshow that Jackal had created...  

Jackal missed the chance to take a page from the obviously more wise coach here and do what Thul did:  namely screw the ball and take out your adversaries...  he started out okay.. Wrekmore stunning a lineman.. then Stilgar with yet his FOURTH 1d block on the Savage only manages a push...  but the Savage is in the corner of the endzone... Alban could have surfed the damn Savage, after all he had Block... but the end was frickin NIGH .. and Jackal wanted a score... hell, Alban wanted a score to regain the respect of his teammates.

Looking out, all Alban had to do now was Blitz down the hob-omelet next to the ball, jump in pick it up, and dodge merrily away... saving Jackal from looking like an ass... scratch that... like more of an ass than he already usually looks like....

the hobogobo didn't have block, but it was only a one dice affair...  PUSH..  now the big choice...  push the still standing hobosquatch into the ball and hope he drops it, or push the bugger to the side and attempt to dodge in and just get his mits on the ball.. Alban fails the dodge... the crowd sighs heavily... like a fart from a very dialated rectum of a giant the size of a hot air balloon....

The bleakness turns to Blight as the Dorfs prepare...  Stilgar fist somehow avoids a 2d block that would have sent him surfing, but then the dreaded fear occurs... the Hobogoober picks up the ball... the dorf crowd gets to their feet... at least i think they do, they're quite short so i think they're actually lower in height when they get down off the bleacher seats...   the Mino knocks down another hapless human, but the human armorer has worked some magic during the week .. the FI$T FIR$T's pots and pans are holding together nicely..

enough to make any human armorer face clawy chaos dorfs proud:

OKAY, FANS.. HERE'S WHAT YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR.... THE HIPGIBLET has the ball, but he's got a weak spot... all it's gonna take if for Willy Wrekmore to dodge out of a dorf's TZ , yea yea yea.. a dorf with tackle... and then blitz the habgablin... knock the ball loose where the super star Ablan can pick it up and and TAKE IT TO THE HOUSE!!!

WREKMORE DOES HIS PART OF THE JOB...

DODGING OUT!!

AND PUNKING HEDGEHOG!!!

THE HEDGEHOG is down and the ball is within reach!!  GO PICK IT UP, GO PICK IT UP YOU SUPER STAR YOU!!

NEWLY ACQUIRED FREE AGENT THROWER, EOMUND ALBAN HAS THE BALL...

 HE'S GONNA HAVE TO REALLY PUSH IT TO MAKE IT TO THE ENDZONE...  HERE'S HIS FIRST ATTEMPT TO STRETCH IT OUT!!

DOWN GOES FRAZIER... he didn't even pass the first GFI...

after that, Jackal couldn't see much through his tears, but Stilgar Fist was crowd surfed, but.. the armorer earned another cheerleader and a deer...  (something he heard about from some Pink Elephant's player) as Stilgar wasn't injured...  Still it was very quiet in the locker room at half time as Jackal's decision to stall had resulted in no score at all...

TO BE CONTINUED

-- 
Jackal is a jackal of all tirades