FI$T FIR$T vs. Mardaed's PHOENIX KINGS

FI$T FIR$T™ VS PHOENIX KINGS

OkayFIST FIRST™loses the FAME... not surprising since I think the Kings have one of the biggest groups of groupies in the OFL... it's that freakshow, Tim Timion Tebow... he gets all these "virginal vagrants" and other religion and muscleheaded zealots.  Not to mention the canadian contingent who just come out to watch the long, lithe elven legs squeezed into those ridiculous uniforrms.  Someone said that most of the capes worn by these guys will be worn far in the future by a guy named Liberace... well, him and some other guy named GymBo....  The Kings have 13FF to FIST FIRST™7

Jackal had a SACK full of money for this one...  360K.  

Merc with DP (named Dynon the FRIENDLY **AGAIN**)

Bribe

Extra RR

(Jackal almost went with Wizard .  Or with Helmut Wulf instead a merc with DP.. that would have freed up enough gold for Beer)

Here are the BBManager Stats

   Mardaed  Jackal

1's   10           12 

2's    9             8

3's    7             4

4's    13           7

5's    11           6

6's     13          8

Jackal rolled 27% ones

Jackal's GFI was 68%

Mards          was  85%

Jackal rolled 18 skulls  to 10 POWS

TheFIST FIRST™  POW ratio was a theoretical 17 and I only had a 10... butFIST FIRST™ did, for the second week in a row, get lucky with the CAS.

So, Jackal wins the coin toss.... He KNOWS that Mard likes to kickoff... He KNOWS he has Manni who can be the great equalizer in the second half of turn 8 but he just CANNOT pass up the chance to draw first blood vs these damn pointy ears!!

RECEIVE IT IS!!  VERY SUNNY  It's really really bright... unlike Timdog ...

The kick is Really Really High (surely like one of our coaches) Dirk Dirtdiver is already standing under it.

has anyone else noticed the creepy sounds the these elves make in the background.. i don't recall hearing it vs any other team

also, why wont' somone play pro elves so I can have a gander at their cheerleaders more often.

One Stun, one knock down, and one push later, the human fans are already packing up to leave. What a colossal disappointment.  Even Gwanah Fistyu who blitzes with Tackle can't even stun the pointy head on the left flank... 

Dirk moves up the left flank, he's really not very protected, but jackals' a big fan of rawdawgin' it.

 Jackal tries a gfi by the DP merc with loner [SUCCESS]and tried a 2 assist foul which he escalates from a knock down to a stun.. 

BIG. FAT. WHOOOPIE. FIST FIRST™first turn is over.. what a yawner. Even some of the more loyal fans, the ones that bring those portable chairs that fit the bleacher benches, are gathering their things.

Mard's turn wasnt' much better.. he did burn a RR on a both down when his player, Timion Teabag had block, so maybe he'll pm me the reason for that or someone can 'splain it to me.

Next turn forFIST FIRST™ has Sully BoxRocks blitzing the elven blitzer, Seanornem Leenun with his shiny new Tackle skill (Thanks for the advice, General Kale!) .. CAS!  Leenun is dead on the pitch.  The elves trot the doc out.. hmmm, looks like a smashed collar bone is the problem, what with it sticking through is trachea and all... Mard shakes his head in disgust,apparently the elf coach believes the death with satiate (that means fill up, timdog... you know like when you each a bunch of canadian bacon or something) the human's lust for blood,  and the doc trots back off, hands still clean!  Thanks for the Death, Mard!    Jackla forgoes the one assist foul of the 4 ST elf on the ground in order to cage up Pedi who barely catches an easy handoff from Dirtdiver.  

Doh!  That freaking 4ST elf is able to pop up and get a two dice block on Pedi.  PEDI GOES DOWN, thankfully, Dirty Diver is able to catch the bouncing ball.  Sheesh, Jackal.  Fortunately, not a whole lot from the elves again, although they did put Sully on his tuckus, but they are still all around the human perimeter.

a FIST FIRST™  lino stuns one elf and BoxRocks gets up and blitzes the 4ST elf with dodge and not block. the elf is stunned. Dirk Dirtdiver reverses course and helps assist Gawnuh Fistyu ....Fistyu tries to take out an elf and Double Skulls, a ;RR saves his green silk covered ass but he only gets a push. Not good.  Jackal once again passes up a foul attempt, this time a four assist foul, but on the lowly lineelf, William Bait.in order to help guard the catcher with the ball.  i guess you could say, HE DIDN'T TAKE THE BAIT..AHAHHAHHAAH

The the loner's assist is useless and Mard gets a 2d block on Dirk.  Down goes Dirk and the ball bounce back. Yikes!

What's left of the FIST FIRST™  crowd gasps in horrow as a pointed-eared catcher, Bullet Haizel, speeds in and picks up the ball and succeeds in a gfi to move deeper into FIST FIRST™  territory.  Mard then sends out Neon Deon to help guard the new ballcarrier... Dion rocks through a dodge, but then fails a gfi and RR...

BOOM, DOWN GOES DION... another 1.  The humans get a chance to correct their mistake!!

Sully BoxRocks is called upon to separate the eleven catcher from the ball.  Done.  BoxRocks even manages to success complete a GFI move to help assist his brethren.

jackal is playing this turn safe even though the clock is ticking.. moving his players back around the ball..

Pedi sprints back and gets the job done like a good athletic supporter:  securing the loose ball.

Upfield Punchmouth breaks an elven neck like snapping a popsicle stick.

Well, shit me a brick.. Billy Kid must've watched his hero, Neon Dion on the Wizardvision Jumbotron.. he does exactly the same thing:  completes a dodge (not as easy for a human) then 

SHOCKED FACE  

FAILS A GFI

uses RR

FAILS THE NEXT ONE TOO  

MORE SHOCKED FACE  (mumbles something about a french fries)

the elven SUPAHSTAH Timmy "cleandong" Teabag  gets to work, dodging out and completing a gfi  to inact (that's not the word I want here, what is the word i want?) a 2d dice block on Pedi.  Freakin' VIRGIN gets his nuffle lovin' choice between defender down or defender stumbles and Pedi is on his ass.. ball bouncing away... it's at the feet of a dumbfounded FreeBird who obviously has a splathead poster of Timion Teabow on his wall...

Emmit Smith dodges successfully (of course he does) THE ELVES PAID ABSOLUTELY NO ATTENTION TO MY TACKLE SKILL AS IT REGARDED TO THEIR BLOCKING ALL GAME

Smith then reaches down and plucks up the ball with his 5 Agility ... may has well have had an 7 agility as he rolls a crit fail... 

but, the ex cowfu.. I mean, cowboy that he is, he makes the RR count.. the Kings have the ball once again.. 

Upfield an elf KO's Boy Sue

Jackal is more concerned with NOT getting scored on than scoring at this point.  His poor ball protection has really come back to roost so far this game. 

after moving all the easy piece, Jackal sends the newest edition to the FIST FIRST™  Blitzer position, Dozer GumBlood in to mark Emmit Smith and assist on the ensuing blitz.  GumBlood stumbles on his GFI, but,  nUFFLE LOVING YIPPEEEE, successfully uses the team's last RR.   Now Punchmouth is called on for the blitz, but he's only got one chance to bring down Smith, no RR left.  Dude is working without a net. FIST FIRST™ fans are returning to the stands, if only to see the blood and failure. Punchmouth not only downs the villian, but he picks up the ball with a heroic puffed out chest and words something like:  AND YOUR SISTER TOO.. 

I MEAN, "I'll be taking that."

Max Hedroom has a 2d block vs Teabag but it's a push or a both down.  Hedroom goes all Hardcore and wrestles the freak thrower to the ground.

camera pans to a shot from the game:  

Coach Jackal is yelling: "BRILLIANT!! GO TELL THAT DIRTY BASTARD WE HIRED IN THAT ALLEY BEHIND THE PUB... WHAT WAS HIS NAME?? TO FOUL HIM"

Assistant Coach, Plisken:  "We couldn't find him, Coach.  We're using one of the male cheerleading coaches. Dynon the Friendly."

Jackal:  "Dynon the FUCKING WHAT?? FRIENDLY??  The one from canada the team calls "Mr. Mouth Hug"  ????  OH FOR NUFFLE'S SAKE

camera pans to FRIENDLY, while two otherFIST FIRST™  players hold down Teabow, jumping the thrower and... ..camera zooms in...  TICKLING HIM

for those that don't know, Tickling is a form of torture and FIST FIRST™  does not condone such activiity..

after much snickering and giggling, Teabow is laying there, stunned. 

BoxRocks BADLYHURTS Haizel.  

the elves have four players fairly deep on their side of the pitch.  Four players on the FIST FIRST™ side, only two standing..  Bashbait gets a POW on the human catcher..nullifying the major threat from the human team as time is diminishing...

the elves did some weird dodging and shit and I am not sure how to tell a -2d block, but I think Mard had one with a dodgy elf and got two pushes...

Turn 6 and his catcher stunned and Jackal finds himself still on theFIST FIRST™  side of the pitch. He's in a panic here.  He also knows the feeling of doom of having no RR left, but still has the Bribe so he starts out the turn with a 2 assist block from mister tickles the friendly neighbor who can't even stun the downed Teabag this time. Sheesh.  Jackal kicks Snake Plisken right in his little snake pisskin.  WHY DID YOU HIRE THAT GUY?!!?"

The rook Blitzer stuns the dodgy no block elf.  the elf Blitzer Conner McCriminal continues to give Jackal fits with his damn Side Stepping.  Sully tries to fix McCrimmy's little red wagon, but is only able to knock down the bastard.   Jackal takes a chances  running his players upfield in the hope that Punchmouth will be able to bliz the dodgy elf and catch up with them, Pedi is left back to assist the Punchmouth blitz.  Punchmouth gets the job done. Getting all "Where the Wild Things Are"

 Stunning the elf and racing up field.  Just like it's drawn on Jackal's chalkboard!    Oh shit on a shingle, all the damn elf bodies have trapped Punchy (that's what we call 'im) .

. with no RR and a healthy fear of GFI, Punchy sits back near his brethren how had stood to help assist earlier blocks or fouls instead of trying to race around the bodies and end up in no man's land with these freaky deekie elves.

The elves do what they can, which isn't much, but they aren't giving up ground either. Mard uses Timmy Teabow with his 4ST to push into a TZ of PUnchy the Ballcarrier and now it's Jackal's turn SEVEN.

Sully BoxRocks is able to blitz and knock down the Roided out Elf Thrower and free up a running lane.  Here it goes ladies and gentleman.... Can Punchy get the ball to Billy Kid who is the furthest and deepestFIST FIRST™   player on the field with NO RR LEFT???  Punchy races to the veteran human lineman, Kid grabs the ball like he's got FOUR of his own.  (6)   Kid then runs down the right flank. starting just on his side of the pitch, he safely runs to the near sideline, one space off, and six spaces from the goal line.. No GFI chances here.  Jackal stupidly has Gwanuh Fistyu try a block on the Marion the Barbarian and the damn dude has side step, nice one Jackal. The elf is now one square closer to the Ball Carrier.

Speaking of Barbarian, Mard goes all that using a freaking lineelf to blitz Billy Kid. The fuckbucket rolls a 6 for the dodge out to blitz and a 6 on the first GFI and a 6 on the second one for the GFI BLItz.  The lineelf has a ST4 and gets the Defender down the first try, which means Mard still has a RR.  The ball bounces out of bounds and is  thrown in around midfield on the KIngs' side of the pitch.  Could have been better, could have been worse.  Even with the roar of the crowd, you can hear Jackal's sphincter start to pucker.

Suddenly the four downed elves that were left behind as Billy Kid raced to paydirt are all stood up and pose potential scoring threats...  Shhheeesh.

Marion the Barbarian dodges out, 6 ... GFI to pick up the ball that's not in anyone human TZ, GFI successful 4, but 1 on the pickup... POOF, there goes the last KIngs' RR.  And the Barbarian goes all Conan and doinks the pick up again.  The humans collectively breathe a sigh of relief.  So do jackal's underbritches.

It's turn 8 for Jackattack... he knows he cannot score.  He also knows it's quite possible the freaking elves CAN.  

jACKAL does the best he can to mark the pointy ears... puts a Fistyu on Marion to assist the ensuing block by Punchmouth and also remain in the TZ of the ball.  Punchmouth stuns Marion who sidesteps on the ball as he goes down.  Punchmouth is unable to secure the ball so it sits on the pitch like a gold piece (thank you anne sexton) with two humans around it.

BoxRocks is showing his age and cant' even knock down a lowly lineelf with guard as his only skill.

Dynon the Friendly tries to foul the Barbarion while also adding another TZ to the ball, but if two assists didn't do the trick, it's no wonder that one doesn't.  Still the ref is elsewhere.  Barbarian is already stunned so who gives a flip

That freak lineelf who took down Billy Kid dodges out, dodges again (uses his dodge roll for the second dodge attempt  GFI to move into three human TZ .. succeeds.. PICKS UP THE BALL IN THREE TZ with a 6 ...that's all the log reads.. 6  critical success.  I'm guessing he needed  a 4+

down to a 3+ for AG... but subtracting a 3 from the number, so he NEEDED A FREAKING SIX WITH NO RR and the little turd got it... Jackal is near heart attack stage now.

That freak lineelff has a name that is too long to type and I can't copy and paste it, so we'll just stay with freak lineelf dodges out of the TZ,  He decides to launch the long bomb to ____.  Finally, the lucky streak comes to a screeching halt. 

with his 4AG he needs a 3+.. but it's a long bomb and it's Always Sunny in PhillyHELLpHIA

He rolls a 4 which is reduced to a one and the ball is fumbled and the half is over.  

Halftime score: Zilch to Zilch

--
Jackal is a jackal of all tirades