FI$T
FIR$T™ VS PHOENIX KINGS
OkayFIST FIRST™loses the FAME... not surprising since
I think the Kings have one of the biggest groups of groupies in the OFL... it's
that freakshow, Tim Timion Tebow... he gets all these "virginal
vagrants" and other religion and muscleheaded zealots. Not to
mention the canadian contingent who just come out to watch the long, lithe
elven legs squeezed into those ridiculous uniforrms. Someone said that
most of the capes worn by these guys will be worn far in the future by a guy
named Liberace... well, him and some other guy named GymBo.... The Kings
have 13FF to FIST FIRST™7
Jackal had a SACK full of money for this
one... 360K.
Merc with DP (named Dynon the FRIENDLY
**AGAIN**)
Bribe
Extra RR
(Jackal almost went with Wizard . Or
with Helmut Wulf instead a merc with DP.. that would have freed up enough gold
for Beer)
Here are the BBManager Stats
Mardaed Jackal
1's 10
12
2's 9
8
3's 7
4
4's 13
7
5's 11
6
6's 13
8
Jackal rolled 27% ones
Jackal's GFI was 68%
Mards was
85%
Jackal rolled 18 skulls to 10 POWS
TheFIST FIRST™ POW ratio was a theoretical
17 and I only had a 10... butFIST FIRST™ did, for the second week in a
row, get lucky with the CAS.
So, Jackal wins the coin toss.... He KNOWS
that Mard likes to kickoff... He KNOWS he has Manni who can be the great
equalizer in the second half of turn 8 but he just CANNOT pass up the chance to
draw first blood vs these damn pointy ears!!
RECEIVE IT IS!! VERY SUNNY It's
really really bright... unlike Timdog ...
The kick is Really Really High (surely like
one of our coaches) Dirk Dirtdiver is already standing under it.
has anyone else noticed the creepy sounds the
these elves make in the background.. i don't recall hearing it vs any other team
also, why wont' somone play pro elves so I
can have a gander at their cheerleaders more often.
One Stun, one knock down, and one push later,
the human fans are already packing up to leave. What a colossal disappointment.
Even Gwanah Fistyu who blitzes with Tackle can't even stun the pointy
head on the left flank...
Dirk moves up the left flank, he's really not
very protected, but jackals' a big fan of rawdawgin' it.
Jackal tries a gfi by the DP merc with
loner [SUCCESS]and tried a 2 assist foul which he escalates from a knock down
to a stun..
BIG. FAT. WHOOOPIE. FIST FIRST™first turn is over.. what a yawner. Even some of the more loyal fans,
the ones that bring those portable chairs that fit the bleacher benches, are
gathering their things.
Mard's turn wasnt' much better.. he did burn
a RR on a both down when his player, Timion Teabag had block, so maybe he'll pm
me the reason for that or someone can 'splain it to me.
Next turn forFIST FIRST™ has Sully BoxRocks blitzing the elven blitzer, Seanornem
Leenun with his shiny new Tackle skill (Thanks for the advice, General Kale!)
.. CAS! Leenun is dead on the pitch. The elves trot the doc out..
hmmm, looks like a smashed collar bone is the problem, what with it sticking
through is trachea and all... Mard shakes his head in disgust,apparently the
elf coach believes the death with satiate (that means fill up, timdog... you
know like when you each a bunch of canadian bacon or something) the human's
lust for blood, and the doc trots back off, hands still clean!
Thanks for the Death, Mard! Jackla forgoes the one assist
foul of the 4 ST elf on the ground in order to cage up Pedi who barely catches
an easy handoff from Dirtdiver.
Doh! That freaking 4ST elf is able to
pop up and get a two dice block on Pedi. PEDI GOES DOWN, thankfully,
Dirty Diver is able to catch the bouncing ball. Sheesh, Jackal.
Fortunately, not a whole lot from the elves again, although they did put
Sully on his tuckus, but they are still all around the human perimeter.
a FIST FIRST™ lino stuns one elf and BoxRocks gets
up and blitzes the 4ST elf with dodge and not block. the elf is stunned. Dirk
Dirtdiver reverses course and helps assist Gawnuh Fistyu ....Fistyu tries to
take out an elf and Double Skulls, a ;RR saves his green silk covered ass but
he only gets a push. Not good. Jackal once again passes up a foul
attempt, this time a four assist foul, but on the lowly lineelf, William
Bait.in order to help guard the catcher with the ball. i guess you could
say, HE DIDN'T TAKE THE BAIT..AHAHHAHHAAH
The the loner's assist is useless and Mard
gets a 2d block on Dirk. Down goes Dirk and the ball bounce back. Yikes!
What's left of the FIST FIRST™ crowd gasps
in horrow as a pointed-eared catcher, Bullet Haizel, speeds in and picks up the
ball and succeeds in a gfi to move deeper into FIST FIRST™ territory.
Mard then sends out Neon Deon to help guard the new ballcarrier... Dion
rocks through a dodge, but then fails a gfi and RR...
BOOM, DOWN GOES DION... another 1. The
humans get a chance to correct their mistake!!
Sully BoxRocks is called upon to separate the
eleven catcher from the ball. Done. BoxRocks even manages to
success complete a GFI move to help assist his brethren.
jackal is playing this turn safe even though
the clock is ticking.. moving his players back around the ball..
Pedi sprints back and gets the job done like
a good athletic supporter: securing the loose ball.
Upfield Punchmouth breaks an elven neck like
snapping a popsicle stick.
Well, shit me a brick.. Billy Kid must've
watched his hero, Neon Dion on the Wizardvision Jumbotron.. he does exactly the
same thing: completes a dodge (not as easy for a human) then
SHOCKED FACE
FAILS A GFI
uses RR
FAILS THE NEXT ONE TOO
MORE SHOCKED FACE (mumbles something
about a french fries)
the elven SUPAHSTAH Timmy
"cleandong" Teabag gets to work, dodging out and completing a
gfi to inact (that's not the word I want here, what is the word i want?)
a 2d dice block on Pedi. Freakin' VIRGIN gets his nuffle lovin' choice
between defender down or defender stumbles and Pedi is on his ass.. ball
bouncing away... it's at the feet of a dumbfounded FreeBird who obviously has a
splathead poster of Timion Teabow on his wall...
Emmit Smith dodges successfully (of course he
does) THE ELVES PAID ABSOLUTELY NO ATTENTION TO MY TACKLE SKILL AS IT REGARDED
TO THEIR BLOCKING ALL GAME
Smith then reaches down and plucks up the
ball with his 5 Agility ... may has well have had an 7 agility as he rolls a
crit fail...
but, the ex cowfu.. I mean, cowboy that he
is, he makes the RR count.. the Kings have the ball once again..
Upfield an elf KO's Boy Sue
Jackal is more concerned with NOT getting
scored on than scoring at this point. His poor ball protection has really
come back to roost so far this game.
after moving all the easy piece, Jackal sends
the newest edition to the FIST FIRST™ Blitzer position, Dozer GumBlood in to
mark Emmit Smith and assist on the ensuing blitz. GumBlood stumbles on
his GFI, but, nUFFLE LOVING YIPPEEEE, successfully uses the team's last
RR. Now Punchmouth is called on for the blitz, but he's only got one
chance to bring down Smith, no RR left. Dude is working without a net. FIST FIRST™ fans are returning to the stands, if
only to see the blood and failure. Punchmouth not only downs the villian, but
he picks up the ball with a heroic puffed out chest and words something like:
AND YOUR SISTER TOO..
I MEAN, "I'll be taking that."
Max Hedroom has a 2d block vs Teabag but it's
a push or a both down. Hedroom goes all Hardcore and wrestles the freak
thrower to the ground.
camera pans to a shot from the game:
Coach Jackal is yelling: "BRILLIANT!! GO
TELL THAT DIRTY BASTARD WE HIRED IN THAT ALLEY BEHIND THE PUB... WHAT WAS HIS
NAME?? TO FOUL HIM"
Assistant Coach, Plisken: "We
couldn't find him, Coach. We're using one of the male cheerleading
coaches. Dynon the Friendly."
Jackal: "Dynon the FUCKING WHAT??
FRIENDLY?? The one from canada the team calls "Mr. Mouth Hug"
???? OH FOR NUFFLE'S SAKE
camera pans to FRIENDLY, while two otherFIST FIRST™ players hold
down Teabow, jumping the thrower and... ..camera zooms in... TICKLING HIM
for those that don't know, Tickling is a form
of torture and FIST FIRST™ does not condone such activiity..
after much snickering and giggling, Teabow is
laying there, stunned.
BoxRocks BADLYHURTS Haizel.
the elves have four players fairly deep on
their side of the pitch. Four players on the FIST FIRST™ side, only
two standing.. Bashbait gets a POW on the human catcher..nullifying the
major threat from the human team as time is diminishing...
the elves did some weird dodging and shit and
I am not sure how to tell a -2d block, but I think Mard had one with a dodgy
elf and got two pushes...
Turn 6 and his catcher stunned and Jackal
finds himself still on theFIST FIRST™ side of the pitch. He's in a panic
here. He also knows the feeling of doom of having no RR left, but still
has the Bribe so he starts out the turn with a 2 assist block from mister
tickles the friendly neighbor who can't even stun the downed Teabag this time.
Sheesh. Jackal kicks Snake Plisken right in his little snake pisskin.
WHY DID YOU HIRE THAT GUY?!!?"
The rook Blitzer stuns the dodgy no block
elf. the elf Blitzer Conner McCriminal continues to give Jackal fits with
his damn Side Stepping. Sully tries to fix McCrimmy's little red wagon,
but is only able to knock down the bastard. Jackal takes a chances running
his players upfield in the hope that Punchmouth will be able to bliz the dodgy
elf and catch up with them, Pedi is left back to assist the Punchmouth blitz.
Punchmouth gets the job done. Getting all "Where the Wild Things
Are"
Stunning the elf and racing up field. Just like it's drawn on Jackal's
chalkboard! Oh shit on a shingle, all the damn elf bodies have
trapped Punchy (that's what we call 'im) .
. with no RR and a healthy fear of
GFI, Punchy sits back near his brethren how had stood to help assist earlier
blocks or fouls instead of trying to race around the bodies and end up in no
man's land with these freaky deekie elves.
The elves do what they
can, which isn't much, but they aren't giving up ground either. Mard uses Timmy
Teabow with his 4ST to push into a TZ of PUnchy the Ballcarrier and now it's
Jackal's turn SEVEN.
Sully BoxRocks is able
to blitz and knock down the Roided out Elf Thrower and free up a running lane.
Here it goes ladies and gentleman.... Can Punchy get the ball to Billy
Kid who is the furthest and deepestFIST FIRST™ player on the field with NO RR LEFT??? Punchy races
to the veteran human lineman, Kid grabs the ball like he's got FOUR of his own.
(6) Kid then runs down the right flank. starting just on his side
of the pitch, he safely runs to the near sideline, one space off, and six
spaces from the goal line.. No GFI chances here. Jackal stupidly has
Gwanuh Fistyu try a block on the Marion the Barbarian and the damn dude has
side step, nice one Jackal. The elf is now one square closer to the Ball Carrier.
Speaking of Barbarian,
Mard goes all that using a freaking lineelf to blitz Billy Kid. The fuckbucket
rolls a 6 for the dodge out to blitz and a 6 on the first GFI and a 6 on the
second one for the GFI BLItz. The lineelf has a ST4 and gets the Defender
down the first try, which means Mard still has a RR. The ball bounces out
of bounds and is thrown in around midfield on the KIngs' side of the
pitch. Could have been better, could have been worse. Even with the
roar of the crowd, you can hear Jackal's sphincter start to pucker.
Suddenly the four
downed elves that were left behind as Billy Kid raced to paydirt are all stood
up and pose potential scoring threats... Shhheeesh.
Marion the Barbarian
dodges out, 6 ... GFI to pick up the ball that's not in anyone human TZ, GFI
successful 4, but 1 on the pickup... POOF, there goes the last KIngs' RR.
And the Barbarian goes all Conan and doinks the pick up again. The
humans collectively breathe a sigh of relief. So do jackal's underbritches.
It's turn 8 for
Jackattack... he knows he cannot score. He also knows it's quite possible
the freaking elves CAN.
jACKAL does the best
he can to mark the pointy ears... puts a Fistyu on Marion to assist the ensuing
block by Punchmouth and also remain in the TZ of the ball. Punchmouth
stuns Marion who sidesteps on the ball as he goes down. Punchmouth is
unable to secure the ball so it sits on the pitch like a gold piece (thank you
anne sexton) with two humans around it.
BoxRocks is showing
his age and cant' even knock down a lowly lineelf with guard as his only skill.
Dynon the Friendly
tries to foul the Barbarion while also adding another TZ to the ball, but if
two assists didn't do the trick, it's no wonder that one doesn't. Still
the ref is elsewhere. Barbarian is already stunned so who gives a flip
That freak lineelf who
took down Billy Kid dodges out, dodges again (uses his dodge roll for the
second dodge attempt GFI to move into three human TZ .. succeeds.. PICKS
UP THE BALL IN THREE TZ with a 6 ...that's all the log reads.. 6 critical
success. I'm guessing he needed a 4+
down to a 3+ for AG...
but subtracting a 3 from the number, so he NEEDED A FREAKING SIX WITH NO RR and
the little turd got it... Jackal is near heart attack stage now.
That freak lineelff
has a name that is too long to type and I can't copy and paste it, so we'll
just stay with freak lineelf dodges out of the TZ, He decides to launch the long bomb to ____. Finally, the lucky streak comes to a screeching halt.
with his 4AG he needs a 3+.. but it's a long bomb and it's Always Sunny in PhillyHELLpHIA
He rolls a 4 which is reduced to a one and the ball is fumbled and the half is over.
Halftime score: Zilch to Zilch
--
Jackal is a jackal of all tirades
Jackal is a jackal of all tirades
, FAILS HIS GFI..